Friday, December 18th, 2009
|
|
2:12 am - right now i could use a friend to talk to
|
bad humans learning to live.
it's a difficult thing to admit when you're wrong. especially when it's most of the time.
love has never been more apparent. to learn to forgive over and over.
what a miracle.
i've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. a lot of bad things. people don't see me in a very favorable light. that's a hard pill to swallow.
what's even harder is to thank them for telling me so and to try and change my attitude.
but it's those people who make it worth it. kyle loves me enough to tell me that i'm wrong. i love kyle enough to try and not be wrong anymore. but it sure is tough.
you have to hit rock bottom before you realize what a huge effort it takes to live with other folks. but what a beautiful thing when you figure it out.
thank you kyle. thank you kurt. thank you friends who put up with me and tell me when i'm a piece of shit.
p.s. i wish i could speak to tara.
|
|
|
|
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
|
|
9:08 pm - Saturday night playlist
|
Looking at my Saturday Night Playlist, it's no wonder people think I don't make any sense.
Bodies of Water - A Certain Feeling
Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
Nas - Hip Hop is Dead
The Drift - Noumena
It's a good night for music.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
|
|
1:04 am
|
Today I cried on the toilet while reading my 9/11 book.
You can read about the terrible truth here: www.ourhistorybooks.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
Sunday, December 6th, 2009
|
|
9:59 pm - old ghost
|
Old Ghost screams and shrieks
his sweet tantrum tease
on razorback sheets.
Old Ghost, cancer claws,
I've taken the fall
once (for you) and for all.
Old Ghost, grace and peace.
You give me the creeps
when you rage inside me.
Old ghost.
Slow motion.
That ocean
grew arms.
Cold coast.
Old geezers
shot breezes.
Which sneezer
caught Jesus and gave us the notion
if we spoke to a ghost,
our illness won't do us harm?
Old Ghost, candor crow,
you did what I don't
to help soft cancer grow.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
|
|
2:05 am - revision
|
That's the clock tower pulse
and you memorized gray lines.
Or are you really that dull?
That industrial pulse.
I think you ought to go home.
I went down with her,
across the Wabash to witness
the changing of the guard.
And it moved right through her
in an instant. That promise
does not
cross
state lines.
Did I say it enough?
Or did I drown it in words?
It didn't mean very much.
I think I said it enough.
I think I said it enough.
I think I said it enough.
I think I said it enough.
I think I said it enough!
So I went down with her,
dressed in roses to witness
the changing of the guard.
And I left her waiting
for a promise to help us
change
the way
we work.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
|
|
12:52 am
|
I thought perhaps I'd meet a girl and sweep her off her feet.
Instead I bought another book about 9/11 conspiracies.
I am okay with how things are. Sometimes I wish they weren't, but only sometimes.
It's nice to be distracted and it's nice to work for money.
I'm ready when you are.
Or maybe not.
Either way is fine with me.
|
|
|
|
Friday, November 6th, 2009
|
|
12:09 am
|
More faithful friend findest thou never
than shrewd head on thy shoulders.
- Stanza 6, The Sayings of Har
I am met with many roadblocks. And many decisions.
Where I want to be vs. What means I use to get there. It is an important discussion. I want to work hard at the things that I do. And if I work hard, I can be proud of the work that I have done, whether or not it pays off in the long run.
There is always a balance. And I need to find it.
|
|
|
|
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
|
|
12:35 am - The Changing of the Guard
|
Did you want to go home?
Or did you want to stay here?
Are you really that dull?
I think I'd like to go home.
Or are you really that dull?
So I went down with her,
across the Wabash to witness
the changing of the guard.
And we left her waiting
to hear us make a promise
that we were
still
alive.
Did I say it enough?
Or did I drown it in words?
I made the meanings too much.
I think I said it enough.
I think I said it enough!
So I went down with her,
dressed in roses to witness
the changing of the guard.
And I left her. Waiting
for a promise to help us
change the
way we
work.
|
|
|
|
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
|
|
8:43 pm
|
this doesn't change anything.
i don't forget those types of things.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
|
|
2:43 am - not on the new record, but will be on the 3" XRA series
|
I've been waiting for
someone like you
to love someone like me.
Because you've got your head
screwed on tight
to your neck.
And it makes a lovely scene.
And you've got those eyes, baby.
You've got the way you smile.
And I'd like to think that I'm the one
who'll take you home tonight.
And you've got that ass, baby.
You've got those thunder thighs.
And I'd like to be the one who sleeps
between your sheets tonight.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
|
|
12:03 am - Dead Ends
|
|
|
Thursday, October 8th, 2009
|
|
4:05 am - Iceland
|
It is confirmed.
The University of Iceland offers a one year masters program for Medieval Icelandic Studies. The University of Iceland does not charge tuition. There is simply a 45,000 ISK registration fee. How much is that in US dollars? $361. Room and board for a year, books,a couple plane tickets, and $361 for a masters degree. This will happen. It's just a question of when. In the meantime, I will continue my journey through the Icelandic Sagas, which you can follow here: www.ourhistorybooks.blogspot.com.
My mind is blown and I cannot sleep.
|
|
|
|
Sunday, October 4th, 2009
|
|
10:37 am - a duet, i think
|
If our time runs out,
if your love is brash and bold.
If we fall asleep with the TV on
all night long.
If you're sinking in
or clinging to, we'll see.
If your mother calls while we're waking up,
then it's back to bed for me.
The situation calls for
a woman's touch and finesse.
And it's clear that I am out of practice.
You're all I have left.
So tell me what you want.
And I'll give you what you want.
I'll settle for just for tonight
cause a lifetime might be too long.
If our fingers graze
beneath the blanket cold.
If our shadows touch,
if we both find God on a mountain road.
If i lie too much,
if you feel too far away.
If my hair falls out, or
if you gain too much weight.
The situation calls for a strong man's diligence.
And it's clear that I am out of practice.
You're all I have left.
I'm not gonna leave.
If you don't want me to leave.
But I'm scared to settle, baby,
cause a lifetime is waiting for me.
|
|
|
|
Thursday, October 1st, 2009
|
|
1:06 am
|
If our time runs out,
if your love is brash and bold,
if we fall asleep with the TV on
all night long.
If you're sinking in
or clinging tight, we'll see.
If your mother calls
while we're waking up
or all the handsome prospects
you wrote into your letters,
or every hard-earned promise
I tossed into the river.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
|
|
1:23 am
|
We don't really talk anymore. I'm not sure why. Maybe because you went too far and I said no fucking way am I doing this again.
It's hard not talking to you.
But I think you'd be proud of me and all the hard work I've been doing.
How I'm tackling my loneliness.
How I'm working on getting my master's in Iceland.
How I'm looking into my past objectively to learn from the things I've done.
I don't call.
I don't write.
I don't text.
I watch Weeds and I read Icelandic sagas and I write music and I job hunt.
And even though I'm sick, I'm so happy to be here and to feel purpose and to not feel like anybody is counting on me.
I saw a bunch of friends from high school this weekend with kids and wives. I'm so glad I'm not there. It sucks being the odd one out, the one without a girlfriend or even anyone at all to talk to. I hurt most of them. Or they hurt me and I won't forgive them. I had to watch my sister and her boyfriend and my other sister and her husband and all my friends and their spouses and significant others and friends with girls I once cared for.
And I have to deal with it.
And I am.
I'm not angry. It's more of a nuisance.
But I miss being close, and I really miss you. A lot.
But look at how strong I am now.
Becoming the person I knew that I could. All alone but not without help.
|
|
|
|
Friday, September 25th, 2009
|
|
1:37 am
|
If these responses get too heavy
or too shallow
in this basement conversation,
I will rescue you.
You know it.
I will keep you safe.
I will pummel them with bare hands.
I won't let anyone near us.
No father, son, nor spirit.
Your prayers will not convert me.
Your lessons won't deter me
from my one and only mission:
to learn to love without conditions.
|
|
|
|
Friday, September 18th, 2009
|
|
11:40 am - new song
|
At the end of every book
and every chapter
there's a reason to believe in
these rhetorical diseases.
Oh, the world was ending:
the people started running.
Our lives began erupting
and I responded by doing nothing.
I didn't kiss the girl in the hammock.
I didn't miss the boys on Barbara Court.
My life's a cinch if I remember to forget it.
And fill it up with a joy I can't ignore.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
|
|
2:31 am - A Good Man is Hard to Find
|
I took myself out of the equation, and now I feel more powerful.
For the first time, exerting a strong will to be better.
I have no need, no want, no necessity.
I knew it would be a long and terrible road. Indeed it has.
But now, staring it down, face to face, I know that I am strong, I know that I am swinging, that I have been even when I didn't realize it.
A slow and clumsy climb to bring me here.
Not easy.
Not simple.
Not graceful.
Ugly, shameful, sinful, but more importantly steadfast.
People believed in me and in turn taught me to believe in myself.
I left Marion behind, along with those folks who had no time for me.
Look at me, starting a new life, battling for the ability to call myself a good man.
And soon I will say that this was all in my past.
Don't kiss the girl in the hammock. Don't lose control when free will kicks in.
Don't forget that I have a choice.
|
|
|
|
Monday, September 7th, 2009
|
|
5:27 am - Careful with that Axe, Eugene
|
For three years and counting
we pour ourselves into
melodies so that our best friends
could sing along.
Lost faith in what we knew,
lost hope in what was true.
But we've got love
and that's what keeps us holding on.
Disaster strikes, and a thousand lonely nights
can do you in.
But that's not all we've got to show
for our time on the road!
We made some friends, played some shows
and came back home.
Come on, you don't have to be right.
Come on, David Wayne, and allow yourself to be loved.
Kyle screams in his sleep.
May Hot Van rest in peace.
And Jesse told a child God does not exist.
Big money we're losing.
Cool Steve's driving, we're all snoozing.
And I broke the things I own
or lost them all on my way home,
back to I N D I A N A.
|
|
|
|
Sunday, September 6th, 2009
|
|
12:29 am - love comes as the wind
|
i may be selfish, but i think you are the worst person i've ever known.
so far so good. i feel strong and determined. purpose. i need a job, though. love is where you find it. love is where you find it. i look at kurt almost daily to remind myself. and it helps. it really does.
i feel left out and left behind and forgotten. but it doesn't matter anymore. i've got so much to do. so much to focus on that, it pales in comparison to how great my life can be.
even while all my friends get married, i am patiently doing work. it will come. and it will be good.
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thewolvesagain's journal